"Dear...How Much"

 

I have never lied to you—I've just never stated the truth. I kept quiet when it came to expressing my love for you. Despite you questioning me multiple times how much I love you, I could never truly convey the depth of my feelings. Love is not a measurable entity; it is childish to ask and even answer such questions. Keeping it a mystery fosters a continual effort to understand its magnitude.

There would be innumerable answers to how much. One might be— I loved you more than myself. But this is a lucid lie, as I never loved myself, so how could I? Being in love with you made me contemplate loving oneself as it is about being kind. I had always been harsher on myself than allowing the world. Love makes one the kindest. When you were here, I was kinder; now that you are gone, I think I am almost the kindest to the world, yet there comes a time to be kind to oneself.

My dear, I loved you; that was the truth, but the fact is, I never knew just how much. No answer could justify my love for you. I enjoyed your presence. I loved talking to you, even in silence. I loved you even when we took different paths. I am still in love with you, even when there is a light-year distance between us. Now that you are not here to ask how much, there is an urge to lie and to act childish before the child in me grows unkind.

~A